1310 - Growing Older
CW: mentions of child death, accident, mourning
A recurring nightmare swept through the sleeping minds of the Chapman family: their beloved Beauty, the family steed, harming and trampling their poor little Teffan. Each family member experienced this nightmare differently, some witnessing it more dramatically in their slumber than others, but nonetheless they all violently awoke when it crossed their unconscious mind.
Byrhtnoth was always the one that believed it was just a dream for a moment until the grief settled back in his chest and his eyes welled with salty tears. He was slower to start his mornings days before Teffan's funeral as he found it difficult to keep himself together like he always did. Guilt and shame followed him like a dark cloud, how could he be so careless to put his youngest daughter on a horse during a thunderstorm?
Pipa also felt greatly at fault for suggesting the childish activity. Her father had said they were all far too young to sit on Beauty's back but she insisted and look where it ended. Sometimes when she would close her eyes or stare into the dark when she couldn't sleep she could still see Teffan's twisted lifeless body before her, haunting and unnatural. She would have to rigorously shake her head to melt those images away and it felt like every day was tougher than the next.
CW: funeral, burial, religious ceremony
Regardless, the burial had to be done. It always took a week or two to prepare a funeral in Praaven, with the transportation of the body and paying a price for some land for a grave and any extra necessities. Perhaps nobles would find this process smoother and quicker but the Chapmans still wore the peasant status and endured the wait.
Olyff took on the role of securing a place for her youngest daughter to rest, finding time to meet with Lughaven church's priest and Pipa's close friend's father, Father Bruceus. She felt somewhat embarrassed to have to come to him with such grave news but he was always very understanding and gentle with each death he handled. And soon the day finally came.
The sun shone between the few clouds in the sky, hanging low above the Praaven mountains as it was still winter. This was the second or third year in a row that the land wasn't sprinkled with snow for a week or two and it felt uncharacteristic.
They all traveled together to the Lughaven village and found themselves at the graveyard's gate. Olyff had kept it together all this time but she knew she would unravel on the day of the burial and had been wiping away stray tears on their walk there. But once they stepped closer to their family plot she could have sworn she spotted the pale ghost of her late daughter, Cyneswith. Through her eyes blurred with tears she witnessed her walk on the crisp grass but just as she wiped her eyes dry there was nothing to see.
Father Bruceus greeted the mourning family and began a short and sweet ceremony. He said a few words that Olyff had picked out and added on a few verses that spoke of The Watcher. He recited a passage that spoke of The Watcher's power, the will of playing god but at other times letting the wheel of fortune spin out of control, and tied it back to little Teffan who sat in a shabby coffin.
"We pray to believe that The Watcher never had ill intentions for a young soul like Teffan," his voice reverberated across the solitary graveyard, "and so we embrace what the wheel of fortune brings us, whether it is a moment of bliss or a moment of grief, this is the way of life."
He bowed and let the family grieve in privacy. Although Olyff had been wiping tears away through the entire ceremony Pipa was the first to explode in sobs. The parents followed and so did Eddida, with Linyeve being the outlier. She cried too but felt more right being a comforter to her sisters, just as she did the night Teffan died.
Byrhtnoth held Olyff tight and silently prayed to The Watcher through his sobs,
Forgive me for my foolishness, he thought, please forgive my lack of foresight for this tragedy. Please, oh please, don't let Teffan's soul suffer from my mistakes.
"She died because of me," wept Pipa sharply, "she suffered because of my stupid idea!"
Linyeve grabbed her by the arms and Pipa looked at her with red eyes. "Don't you say that," said Linyeve sternly, "like mam said, accidents happen, you didn't try to kill her."
"It doesn't change the fact that she is dead!" Pipa covered her tear streaked face once more before Linyeve shook her, trying to break her thought cycle.
"Nothing will change the fact that she is dead! She will stay dead no matter what you say, so stop blaming yourself!"
What she said was coldly blunt but a part of Pipa needed to hear that. Her crying breaths stuttered less and she embraced her sister into a hug. Linyeve looked over at Eddida who watched their argument from the side and motioned to her to join their hug, which she did.
As they did with their other deceased children, they picked some flowers and placed them on their resting places. Their hearts may have been filled with grief of Teffan's passing but standing at the graves of the three other passed family members unlocked grief they all thought was long gone. The parents especially felt a mix of longing for each child they lost but stood and thanked The Watcher for letting them keep three children alive thus far.
CW over.
Once their eyes dried off and they said their goodbyes to little Teffan they trudged on home. The walk was silent for a while, only the sound of crunching gravel and occasional wind disturbing the evergreen trees along the road surrounding them, until Linyeve piped up to ask,
"What's for dinner tonight, mother?"
"Fish stew," answered Olyff with a sigh. She didn't show it to the others but a slight smile crossed her lips, she was just reminded of how life continues despite all the hardships.
The rainy spring months had arrived once again and another milestone was celebrated inside the Chapman farmhouse. Pipa was to turn ten years old! Olyff scraped up all of the leftover flour they had in their reserves and mixed it with honey, eggs and milk to fashion up a cake to celebrate.
The small family surrounded Pipa and waited as she made her wish before blowing out her birthday candles. She was beginning to endure her puberty years and a growth spurt had her almost reach the same height as her mother! Because of this Olyff felt it appropriate to gift her some new clothes, a cream linen tunic with a freshly white apron, she had loved to bake afterall.
The family gathered to share the cake and Olyff quickly pointed out, "I think I may have added a few too many eggs..." Pipa nodded and shared an understanding smile with her mother.
Pipa's hair was still wavy but she was enjoying growing it out and letting it loose while she can. Her mother always told her that when she was to marry she would have to wear a coif or a bonnet out of respect to her husband, expressing her married status, but Pipa always hit back to why she didn't cover her hair herself. Olyff had to explain time and time again that she never experienced an official marriage with Byrhtnoth, that their nuptials were rushed due to her dying parents and her husband never pressured her to wear anything.
"I hope I get an understanding and laid back husband like that some day," muttered Pipa.
With less children to worry about at home Olyff felt it was the right time to ask her eldest daughter to start helping her with the farm. She began to teach her the right ways to sow seeds and how to tend for the growing plants and Pipa was a natural at it. The two girls had gentle hands that easily glided through the soil and handled each crop with delicate care and it was great for the Chapmans to be able to grow more produce as they could guarantee each plant was taken care of.
The late-spring and early-summer fog didn't stop the two from heading outside and tending the farm, even if some mornings they couldn't see their hand in front of their face. They took time to converse those mornings to make sure they were still together and hard at work.
During those foggy mornings Eddida would wolf down her breakfasts and run back to her room to paint. With Teffan's passing the second bed in the room was put to storage and instead they placed her easel facing her bed. When the weather cleared up she loved to look through the window on her right and paint what landscapes she saw before her.
And Linyeve continued to fish, sometimes with Byrhtnoth and sometimes alone. She was growing more and more independent and became bold enough to venture farther and farther from her usual fishing location, some days travelling long enough to reach the fair grounds of a neighbouring village called Mahlsberg. She was excited to see new and fresh faces she hadn't seen in Lughaven or Tovar and she felt that the fish she caught at the pond near the village center were far more exotic!
CW: slight mention of grieving, description of death
Summer had fully rolled in and each member of the Chapman family was busy. There were crops to maintain, chores to complete, farm animals to care for and fish to catch and sell. Not a single person was left with empty hands and they all worked under the warm sun. Pipa was especially helpful on the farm as she was mature enough to start handling trickier responsibilities on the farm, such as milking the cow.
Yet the grief and loss of Teffan still hadn't washed away. Pipa suffered the most as she felt deeply and truly traumatised from the accident, the snapping of Teffan's neck still reverberating in her mind. She feared getting close to Beauty, feeling there was a certain risk of getting kicked or injured by her.
CW over.
Byrhtnoth noticed her fears and hesitations and when the chores weren't as heavily demanding some days he aimed to help Pipa with her developed fear. It was the peak of summer and he chose moments where there wasn't a cloud in the sky to bring Beauty out of her stable. Beauty was a mature horse now and getting calmer with age so he knew that she would be gentle with his daughter.
When Pipa came face to face with Beauty she stepped back a little, fear rising in her chest, but Byrhtnoth gently took her hand and guided her to their horse. Beauty huffed a few times and whipped her tail as they approached but looked at them with calm, gentle, brown eyes. Pipa's eyes widened and her heart began to race, thoughts of Teffan's accident trying to pierce through her consciousness. Before she could touch Beauty she pulled her arm away and ran back into the home, this was going to be more difficult than Byrhtnoth expected.
His next idea was to get one of Pipa's siblings to express how safe Beauty is while Pipa was around. As Linyeve accompanied him on fishing trips occasionally he invited her to their "therapy" session with Pipa and they met at the stable on a sunny day once more. Pipa stood at a distance once again but watched with intent as their father let Linyeve feed Beauty. She giggled from the tickling feeling of Beauty's lips on her small hand as she accepted half of a carrot.
"Pipa!" called Linyeve with a chuckle, "come feed the second half to Beauty!"
Byrhtnoth took Pipa's hand once again and guided her to the horse, one step at a time. Beauty licked her lips as she finished chomping on her carrot and moved her gaze to the approaching father and daughter. Pipa deeply wanted to be more comfortable around horses, especially their family horse, but her trauma deemed to be stronger than her wants at times.
She successfully stood close to Beauty and Linyeve handed her the second half of the carrot. Beauty was instantly curious and started moving her nose towards Pipa's hand. She sweetly rubbed her lips on her open hand and snatched up the last bit of the carrot before Pipa could react and Linyeve smiled with joy.
"You did it," said her father gently, "you fed old Beauty and lived to tell the tale." Pipa smiled at this interaction and found the courage to pet the horse as she swallowed her treat.
CW: mourning at a graveyard
In between all of Pipa's slow achievements with the horse tending she didn't neglect her duties of helping her mother on the farm. One dry summer day Olyff took the effort of fetching some water from the village well and on her journey there she stopped by at the Lughaven graveyard.
Teffan's grave had full grown over and some daisies and clovers sprouted in between the blades of grass also. Olyff placed some freshly bloomed wildflowers down and had a private cry for all of her fallen children.
The multiple years of grief had not been easy on her and her hair continued to grey further but it wasn't a stress for Olyff. Whether it was the beaming sun this summer or the deep grief, or a bit of both, Olyff had developed several more wrinkles than most women her age. For all that she has been through she was grateful to just still be alive.
CW over.
Pipa continued to make efforts to work through her fears by feeding and brushing Beauty, especially when Byrhtnoth would be leaving or returning from his longer fishing trips during the warm summer months. They even tried to have a moment to calm Beauty down when it rained one of the weeks in August.
Just as the autumn leaves began to fall from the trees and Olyff was gathering all of the ripe fruits and vegetables on the farm Byrhtnoth insisted that Pipa was old enough to start learning to ride a horse. He spent a week rigorously teaching his daughter to be comfortable and calm on Beauty's back as he knew someday she would be riding a much younger steed, whether it was on their own farm or on her future husband's.
The day she successfully rode a circle around the farm all by herself the family shared a delicious stew together and she was met with praises from every member of the family. She was honestly and truly the one who suffered the greatest from Teffan's fall, with the rest of the family mostly grieving for their loss rather than birthing a fear of horses, so everyone was more than proud to see her overcome her unique grief.
"You're growing up to be a fine young woman," said Olyff with awe as Pipa smiled at her with her mouth full of potatoes and fish. "Whoever ends up being your lifelong partner when you're older will be very much lucky."
That evening Pipa went to wash the dishes after their family dinner and saw little Frank walking down the hill to the Chapman farmstead. She was surprised to see him and asked what he was doing here.
"I haven't seen you at the Tovar market in several months now," he explained, "I wanted to see how you have been keeping."
Pipa sighed. "It's been tricky, to say the least. I don't know if your father shared the news but my youngest sister had passed... and because of that I've been very afraid of horses. But I'm getting past that fear now and I began to learn how to ride them!"
"That's brilliant! Congratulations!" Frank threw himself at Pipa into a hug and she was met with the reality of their height difference. Even though they were only a year apart in age it was clear that Frank had not experienced his growth spurt like Pipa did this year and so the hug was a little awkward.
He stood and chatted with her about their happenings while she washed the dirty dishes and once she was finished and the sun was setting fast he said his goodbyes and ran on home before his father noticed his absence.
The winter months crept in and Byrhtnoth nailed the boards back on to the windows to keep the frost out. The snow finally began to stick to the ground this year and it felt like the brilliant heatwave they had experienced for the last few years had finally come to an end.
Olyff felt more achey after this year's harvest, especially with how the amount of produce had doubled with Pipa's contribution to the farm. Late one evening Byrhtnoth caught his wife groaning to herself as she rubbed one of her shoulders and he approached behind her to aid her discomfort.
He took his strong hands and placed them on each of her shoulders and massaged her muscles with his thumbs. She dropped her arms to her sides and shifted with the rhythm of his movements and sighed comfortably. He continued to move his hands down her back and help her relax and at some point moving some of her hair to the side and begin to kiss her neck.
This act of romance got Olyff's mind spinning for a moment. Although they didn't spend much time engaging in baby making straight after Teffan's passing they haven't been neglecting it in the autumn months, yet Olyff was clearly without child all these months later. And as she thought further she noticed she was highly unsuccessful as they had started trying to conceive again early of last year!
CW: miscarriage, infertility
Although her husband's attention and kisses felt amazing she felt her heart sink for a moment... had she become infertile? Her monthly bleed was still present so it hadn't been an early menopause so what could have stopped her from bearing a child again? She suddenly remembered the night she had lost her only son and the bloodbath that was her bed the night he was born... could it have been that something was damaged inside of her that she hadn't noticed all this time?
CW over.
Her husband's hands began to wander away from her back and now across her body as he spun her to face him. She tried to erase her thoughtful and slightly worried expression and instead match his longing gaze. Olyff pulled him in for a kiss before he could, trying to drown out any worries that had flooded her mind, and instead enjoy the activities the night would offer regardless of the results it would give them in the morning.
Authors Note: Pipa's birthday is actually at the end of the year but for some reason I messed up the days and celebrated her birthday early in the year :S Inaccuracies that can't be changed!
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